Men Hurt Too

In a culture that applauds men with large bank accounts, high status positions, fit bodies and attractive mates, there is little acknowledgement of the truly human side of the male species: emotions. After all, women are the supposed to be the sensitive ones and since the genders are often defined in opposition to one another there is very little room for men to have feelings at all. It is somewhat permissible for men to get angry, in say a barroom brawl or a heated boardroom discussion, but emotions such as sadness, fear, anxiety, doubt, guilt and heartache are generally not permitted because they are considered feminine emotions.

Several months ago I began a therapy by telephone service, Theraphone, and was stunned by the disproportionate number of male callers we received. These men called for a variety of issues ranging from workplace stress, to financial difficulties but by and large, most were struggling with relationship troubles, and feelings of low self esteem. While heartbreak and self doubt cause great suffering, most men believe ‘real men’ do not feel these things and therefore keep it inside. So why did these men reach out for support in the face of this stigma and shame? It seemed that Theraphone, which offers immediate phone therapy without any commitment, was a very informal and anonymous way to talk to a professional, without having to be seen. The fact that the therapist would never be able to ‘spot them in a crowd’ appeared to offer a certain safety that allowed them to share their concerns openly and honestly. Almost all of these callers had no previous experience with therapy, were not at all interested in receiving in office therapy, and asked for repeated assurance that the conversation would remain completely confidential. But once the discussions began and callers were able to share the anxieties that they had kept hidden for so long, there was a tremendous and immediate sense of relief that was experienced in simply ‘getting it out’. For some callers, this was enough. Others wanted feedback, and to discuss strategies for moving forward. While certain callers (many of whom initially thought they would only call one time) became more regular, enjoying the ability to share their difficulties as well as work through them with a professional, others did not go onto to become frequent callers, instead experiencing the benefits of just one or two conversations.

Through this work, I have witnessed the suffering many men experience silently, often for years, because of the tremendous stigma attached to admitting to these feelings and reaching out for support. It is my hope that men reading this article will know that, if they are going through a painful time, there are millions of other men who have had or are having the same emotional experience. And there is help available, even for those who are uncomfortable seeking support in their local community.

Tiffany Goldberg, LMSW


Theraphone is a telephone therapy service staffed by licensed mental health professionals. Callers will receive immediate therapy when they choose to call and will pay only for the time they choose to speak with a Theraphone therapist. For more information, visit www.thera-phone.com.