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Mental Health: Relationships: How Do You Know When You Are In Love?  Previous Next

How Do You Know When You Are In Love?

by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Title: How Do You Know When You Are In Love?
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul
URL: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 637
Category: Relationships


How Do You Know When You Are In Love?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

“How can I know when I’m really in love?” asked Ruby, a client of mine. “How can I know if what I feel for Jim is really love or just infatuation? How can I know if this feeling will last?”

Ruby and Jim had been dating for 11 months and were considering marriage. Ruby, 32, felt “head over heels” in love with Jim, but she had felt head over heels in love with Adam, as well as with Mark.

“That feeling didn’t last with Adam or Mark. How do I know it will last with Jim? How can you tell when it’s the real thing?”

“Ruby,” I told her, “the answer to this important question depends upon which part of you feels ‘in love’ and which part of Jim you are ‘in love’ with.”

I explained to Ruby that she can be in love from her ego, or as we call it in the Inner Bonding process we teach, her wounded self. Or, she can be in love from her true Self or core Self - her essence, her soul Self. If she is in love from her wounded self, it will be about external things and the love will not last. But if she is in love from her soul Self, it will be about internal things, and it is very likely that the love will see her through all the challenges that come up in relationships.

“Ruby,” I asked her, “What do you love about Jim?”

“I’ve been thinking about that a lot,” she answered. “It’s kind of funny some of the things I love about him. I love his walk and his smell. I love the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, and I love his laugh. I love just being next to him. There is something about his energy - I don’t quite know how to talk about it – that I love being around. I love his touch. I love his kindness and sensitivity and his deep caring for people. Even though he would not be considered a handsome man, I love how he looks. There’s something about his mouth and the look in his eyes that just fills me with love. And I love the passion he has about both his work and his hobbies I love his playfulness. We laugh a lot together. ”

“How is this different than what you loved about Adam or Mark?”

“I think that with both Adam and Mark I was pretty much blown away by their looks – they were both hunks. Both of them were also very successful and very social. They took me to nice places and great vacations. Jim is not as financially successful nor as social, yet I feel much safer with him. I think that I also feel in love with Adam’s power in the world. He really seemed to have it together and his sense of power turned me on. But he wasn’t always nice to people, and he wasn’t always nice to me.”

“So it seems that with Adam and Mark, your wounded self was in love with their wounded selves – their more superficial qualities of looks, money and power. But it sounds like with Jim your essence is in love with his essence. The qualities you say you are in love with are qualities that won’t go away over time, because they are soul qualities. People can certainly lose their looks and their money, but it is unlikely that Jim will lose the qualities that you love in him, especially if you frequently express your appreciation for these qualities.”

“So I really am in love with Jim! This really is different than my other relationships. You know, I think I’ve finally grown up. The more superficial qualities just don’t seem to be so attractive to me anymore!”

IMPORTANT – Publication and Reprint Terms The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated. Please ask permission if you want to publish this article in print. Commercial use of this article is not allowed, nor are you allowed to post or reprint this article in any sites or publications that contain or support hate, violence, porn, or on any sites or publications that are indecent or illegal. Do no use this article in UCE (Unsolicited Commercial Email) or SPAM. This article must be distributed in opt-in email only.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.

Editor's Choice Award:

Editor's info: Kathleen has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality where she is an Assistant Professor in addition to instructing at various other colleges. Her professional affiliations include: the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex, and the American Board of Sexologists. Kathleen received a Master's degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy in 1997. She holds additional certifications in Sex Education and Erotology and runs a private practice. She founded the InstituteforSexualEnrichment.com which provides couple's retreats and seminars in Kaua'i, HI. She has served as Vice President of Content for Libida.com and SexualHealth.com and is a Contributing Editor for Ifriends.com Love and Health Channel. She is also a certified yoga instructor.

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