Many families provide care for an older parent. Some through assumed family obligation and with others it is necessary due to the rising cost of elder care services.
A discussion of what the definition of ‘help’ means often times does not occur. Consequently, assumptions are made and those assumptions can drive the entire family crazy.
The following five steps are given in jest but should drive home the need to openly discuss the potential dynamics of a parent needing help someday.
Step One – Assume the Parental Role
From now on, you are in charge – what your parent wants no longer matters – because you know best! Change as much as possible; rearrange the furniture, throw things out without permission, and completely revise all daily routines.
Question every move and decision your parent makes. Say things like, 'Where are you going?' or 'Sit! Tell me what you need, I’ll get it for you!'
Step Two – Completely Change Their Diet
You are a healthy baby-boomer and have been eating a healthy diet for years. Your parents still have a pot of grease on the stovetop drained from the morning bacon. You haven’t eaten canned vegetables or fruits since you lived at home, you prefer fresh and organic. Now that you’re in charge – you can make your parents healthy.
Take over the shopping. It doesn’t matter if your parents give you a list – you know best. Shop for them like you shop for yourself. Make sure to tell your parents, 'It’s for your own good.'
Step Three – Talk Down to Them and About Them
Begin using a ‘sing-song’ voice and speak to your parent as though they were two years old. When you are at their home and someone comes to visit, talk about your parents, in front of them, and pretend they can’t either hear you or understand you. Make sure you discuss private and potentially embarrassing things.
Say something like, 'Daddy is doing okay today, we’ve been able to get him to the bathroom on time and so far, knock on wood, no accidents.'
Step Four – Intercede all Communications
You decide what mail your parents will read and what is thrown out before they see it. You grab the phone when it rings and before you hand it over to your parent, you screen the call. If it’s a relative, friend or neighbor of your parent, be certain to provide a quick update on how your parent is doing – before you hand the phone over.
You decide who can visit and who can’t. You determine which visitors may prove to be upsetting and you make up the excuses as to why a visit isn’t a good idea at the moment.
Step Five – Over Extend Yourself
Assume that you are the only person on this planet that can provide the proper care for your loved ones. No one else could possibly do the job as well as you. Meanwhile, allow the rest of your life to suffer. You will quickly become exhausted and stressed.
When your parent lovingly says, 'You look tired honey, are you okay?' This is your cue to SNAP! Be as indignant as possible and use your ‘outside voice’ and exclaim, 'Yes! I’m exhausted. Look at what I’m doing … (and then proceed to rattle off each and every daily item that you attend to followed with) and on top of that, I’m here cleaning up after you and making sure you’re okay!'
